


part of me

by buddiebuddie (positivelystisaac)



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: A little bit of angst, M/M, Spoilers for 2x17, also a little bit of hurt/comfort, cant put them back together if you don’t break them first am i right!!!, happy ending tho i pinky promise, mentions of shannon’s death, not really canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-04 22:26:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18821995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/positivelystisaac/pseuds/buddiebuddie
Summary: “Give him space, Buck,” Bobby had said with a reassuring pat on Buck’s shoulder. “He needs time.”Time. It’s a funny thing, Buck thinks. He and Eddie, they had plenty of it before.





	1. i could lose that part of me

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of listening to Part of Me by Gold Brother a lot. Like, a lot a lot. 
> 
> Written after 2x17 and before 2x18, and contains 2x17 spoilers. Kind of a little heavier than what I usually write but there will be some lighter stuff and definitely some fluff, I promise! Also I’m using my artistic liberties to decide that Eddie and Shannon were divorced and happily co-parenting before her death.

**I'm torn between the past that I wanna keep**  
**With the fear that I could lose that part of me**  
**Try to hold myself together while I risk it all**  
**And I'm holding to you, waiting for the fall**

-

Buck’s eyes shoot open at the sound of a mattress creaking. He sits up in his bed, looking around the bunk room as his eyes adjust to the darkness. It takes him a second to realize the sound is coming from directly beside him. He grabs his phone off of the charger next to his bunk, using the light from the screen to help him see in the darkness. “Eddie?” He whispers. He shines the light of his phone on Eddie’s bunk, which is when he sees Eddie is sitting up in his bed, knees pulled close to his chest. He’s rocking back and forth slowly, head between his knees. “Eddie, hey,” Buck whispers, hurrying out of his own bed and over to Eddie’s. Never mind the fact that Eddie has made it more than clear over the past few weeks that he doesn’t want anything to do with anyone, most of all Buck.

He’s kept to himself, quieter than ever. He’s somehow managed to dodge conversation and invitations to drinks, decline every offer of a home cooked meal and a helping hand with Christopher. “Give him space, Buck,” Bobby had said with a reassuring pat on Buck’s shoulder after Eddie all but ignored him his first day back to work. “He needs time.”

Time. It’s a funny thing, Buck thinks. He and Eddie, they had plenty of it before. Before Shannon came back, before she died. Time to see movies, time to cook each other dinner. Time to bring Christopher to the zoo and time to bring him to Disneyland. Time to sneak off to an empty closet or the showers. Time to snooze alarm clocks, and time to hold each other just a little bit tighter as Buck insisted on “just five more minutes, babe.” Time to kiss and laugh and touch and breathe each other in. Time to just be. And now, Shannon’s gone and there’s not enough of it. Not enough time to have said goodbye. Not enough time to process. Not enough time for Eddie and Buck to find their way back to each other in the midst of it all.

Buck sits on the edge of the mattress, placing a hand on Eddie’s back gently. “You’re okay,” Buck says, just loud enough for Eddie to hear him. Eddie mumbles something incoherent in response.

“What’s that?” Buck asks, voice soft.

“I saw her,” Eddie repeats, clearer this time. “Shannon. I… I saw her in my dream. It was so real.”

Buck takes a deep breath, rubbing his thumb in circles on the small of Eddie’s back. It’s the first time Buck has heard Eddie say her name since the funeral. “What was she doing?” Buck asks.

“I opened my front door and she was there,” Eddie says, voice shaky. “It was like dozens of other times, when she would come over to see Christopher or pick him up.”

“Did she say anything?”

Eddie shakes his head, dropping his face to his hands. “As soon as she opened her mouth, she collapsed. I… I knelt down beside her and as soon as I touched her she was gone.” He takes a shaky breath, fighting back tears. “She’s gone.”

Buck pulls Eddie to his chest without a second thought, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. It’s been hard to wrap his own head around everything, which makes Buck wonder how in the hell Eddie’s holding up.

Everything seemed so certain just a couple of weeks ago. Shannon and Eddie were the model co-parents, taking turns with Christopher and sharing parenting responsibility like it was second nature. Shannon had her own place, had started dating again. Eddie told Buck he loved him every day. Buck said it back every time.

And then Shannon died, and it’s like four walls came up around Eddie. And no matter how hard Buck kicked and hit and clawed at those goddamn walls, they weren’t budging. There was no room inside them for Buck, which hurt more than he cared to admit.

-

Buck had driven Eddie home from the hospital that night, held him all night when sleep wouldn’t come. He called out of his shift so he could be there to buy groceries, fold laundry, watch Christopher while Eddie met with the funeral home. He was there every minute he possibly could be, and then a couple days after the funeral, Eddie made it pretty clear he didn’t want him to be.

It started with the text from Eddie.  I’m going to stay with Abuela for a few days. Buck understood. He stayed at his own apartment that night, making it the first night they spent apart in months. I’m here for you, Eddie. Whatever you need. The the text went unanswered, as did the many Buck sent in the following days. Eddie came back to work two days after the funeral, avoiding eye contact and conversation better than Buck avoiding dish duty after dinner.

“Don’t take it personally,” Bobby had said, seeing the defeated look on Buck’s face after Eddie got up from the table as soon as Buck and Hen had sat down. Buck and Eddie hadn’t spoken for real in days, other than their daily “How you holding up?” and a shrug in reply. “Give him some time.”

“I get it,” Buck had replied, words dripping with sadness and frustration. “I know he has these walls up now, and I totally get it. I do. I just don’t understand why there isn't room for me inside them anymore.” He got up from the table without another word, scared if he sat there for a second longer, the tears welling in his eyes would spill over.

-

“Come with me,” Buck says, realizing they’re still in the bunk room and surrounded by their fellow firefighters. Who are still snoozing, thankfully. He extends a hand to Eddie, who takes it without hesitation. Buck shoves down the swell of love in his chest, trying not to dwell on how good it feels to finally feel like them again. What was it he said to Eddie all those months ago?

It was the first time they kissed, Buck remembers it clear as day. They’d been building toward it for weeks. Between the stolen glances, non-stop flirting, and sexual tension— god, the sexual tension— it was a wonder it hadn’t happened sooner. Eddie had backed him against the truck, foreheads touching. Hot, needy breath mingling in the mere millimeters of space between their lips.

“Wait,” Buck had said. “This can’t just be one and done. Not with you, I… it’s more than that for me, Eddie. You’re more than that for me. So just… don’t open a door just to let it swing shut behind you.” Eddie had looked him up and down, took Buck’s face in his hands, and kissed him like it was the easiest thing in the world. And it was.

 _Don’t open a door just to let it swing shut_. Buck plays those words over and over in his head, trying to keep himself from feeling hopeful that Eddie is back. That Eddie is his again. But there he is, lacing their fingers together and guiding Eddie through the quiet station, heartbeat thumping in his ears. Maybe just one foot in the door couldn’t hurt, Buck thinks.

“Climb,” Buck instructs, nodding at the engine before them. Surprisingly, Eddie does as he’s told without hesitation. Buck follows him up the ladder, climbing onto the coiled hoses on top of the engine’s roof. He lays down, motioning for Eddie to join him.

As Eddie lays down beside him, Buck notices how blood-shot his eyes are, how big the bags beneath them have become. “When’s the last time you slept?” Buck asks quietly. “Like, really slept.”

Eddie shrugs. “The night before, I guess.” He doesn't have to say it specifically for Buck to know he means the night before Shannon died. Some quick mental math on Buck’s part tells him it’s been close to twenty days. He sighs, wrapping an arm around Eddie and pulling him flush against his side. The hoses make for a nice cushion. He thinks back to the first time he brought Eddie up here, almost a year ago. He tries not to think about how different things were back then. How their only worry in the world was if they’d wake up in time to sneak back to their bunks before dawn.

“I know you’re processing,” Buck begins. “And however you need to grieve, I want you to do that. Just know that I’m here. Whatever you need. However I can be here for you, I will be. Just let me in.”

Eddie takes a shaky breath, staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to lose my memories of her,” he says, barely above a whisper.

“You won’t,” Buck insists, eyes fixed on Eddie, who’s still staring up at the ceiling tiles. It all makes sense, now. It wasn’t just Buck who Eddie was avoiding. It was everyone. Any sort of human interaction. “She’s always going to be a part of you.”

“What if I lose that part of me?” Eddie asks, voice thick. “What… what if that part of me is gonna disappear?”

“It’s not,” Buck says, matter-of-fact. “You will always have that part of you. And if you ever feel like it’s starting to slip away, all you gotta do is take one look at that beautiful kid of yours. I guarantee he’ll bring it right back.”

Eddie turns to face Buck. “I’m trying to hold myself together, trying to be strong. And I just… I can’t do it anymore.” He’s crying now, hot tears rolling down his cheeks faster than Buck can brush them away.

“You don’t have to do it,” Buck insists, shaking his head. His hand stills, thumb resting on Eddie’s cheek as he grips his face gently. “You don’t have to be strong. Your son’s mother died. Your ex-wife. Your first love. You’re allowed to grieve, Eddie. You’re allowed to cry, and you’re allowed to be angry, and to be sad, and to long for her. None of that takes away from this.” He motions between the two of them. “None of it.”

Eddie buries his head in Buck’s chest as the quiet sobs wrack his body. “You’re right,” Eddie says. “And I’m so sorry.”

Buck swallows around the lump in his throat, blinking back tears. “You have to let me in,” he says after a minute. “I love you, I want to help. Even if you don’t feel that way anymore, I-”

“No,” Eddie insists, looking up to meet Buck’s eyes. “I love you, Buck. I never stopped. Just because I’m grieving her doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

It isn’t lost on either of them that this is the first time either of them has said those three words in weeks.

“I just don’t want to forget her,” Eddie whispers.

Buck kisses Eddie’s forehead, pulling him closer. Eddie rests his head on Buck’s chest, closing his eyes with a sigh. “I’m not gonna let that happen,” Buck says. He looks up at the ceiling, staring at the pipes as Eddie’s breathing evens out.

And for the first time in three weeks, Eddie sleeps.


	2. a feeling’s just a feeling

**They say the future's uncertain and the world is cold** ****  
**And we'd be better off walking in this life alone** ****  
**They say a feeling's just a feeling and you won't survive** ****  
**And love is just a light that will fade in time** ****  
**I want you by my side along the way** ****  
**We can go together through the pain** ****  
  


**-**

 

“Alright, 118, evacuate. Repeat, 118, evacuate,” Bobby says into his radio. “The place is going to flashover any minute now.”

A minute later, everyone’s out of the house. They’re hitting it with the hoses when the little girl whose house is burning runs up to Buck and Eddie. “Baxter’s still in there!” She cries, tears streaking her soot-covered face. “You have to save my dog! Please.”

Before Eddie can tell her there’s no way anyone can get back in the house and send her back to her parents, Buck is through the front door. 

The flashover hits not even a second later, the sound of it so unbearable that Eddie clamps his hands over his ears. Flames shoot from the windows, shattered glass falling to the grass. Eddie doesn't even register that his feet started moving until he hears Bobby and Hen screaming in his ear. He comes back to his body as quickly as he left it, suddenly realizing his surroundings. 

“Buck!” He’s screaming so loudly it feels like his vocal cords are ripping apart with each shout. “Buck, no!” 

Bobby and Hen have their hands on his shoulders, holding him back from running into the blaze. “No, no!” He’s still screaming, hot tears in his eyes as he watches the house burn, thinking of nothing but Buck inside, burning with it. 

“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice is calm. “Eddie, breathe.”

“No! No, no, no!” He’s fighting their grip even more than before, struggling to break free from their hold. He can hear Hen sniffling beside him. His tears have turned into full on sobs, wracking his body in waves. “No, Bobby! H-He’s in there! He-”

He collapses to the ground, pulling his helmet off as he kneels on the pavement. Hen drops down beside him, tears rolling down her cheeks. “It’s okay,” she says, wrapping her arms around him. She drops her head to his shoulder, a sob escaping her body. “It’s okay.”

“Baxter!” The little girl’s voice snaps Eddie out of his shock. He lifts his head, only to see Buck coming down the front steps, holding a small, soot-covered dog in his arms. Buck, too, is covered in a thick layer of ash, but striding confidently. And most importantly, he’s not dead. Eddie jumps to his feet, crossing the lawn in a matter of seconds. “Hey!” He shouts across the grass. Buck turns his head from where he’s passing the dog off to the homeowners.  

Bobby’s hand is on Eddie’s shoulder, pulling him back before he can reach Buck. 

“Take a walk, Eddie,” he insists. 

“But Cap, he-”

“Take a walk.” Something about the tone of Bobby’s voice tells Eddie it’s not up for discussion. He turns on his heel and stalks back to the truck, climbing in the back. As soon as he pulls the door shut behind him, he starts sobbing. Being in that moment— the fear that he lost one of the people he loves most in the world— was just too much. He holds his head in his hands as he cries. Cries for the fear and sadness that came over him in a way he’s come to know all too well. Cries for himself, for the guilt he feels over being more upset today than he was the day he lost Shannon. Cries for Shannon, that she’s still gone too soon. 

It’s cathartic, the fear and sadness and anger from the last few minutes finding their release. After a minute, his sobs turn into trembling breaths as he begins to calm down. He takes a deep, shaky breath and thinks about what just happened.

He’s angry. Angry that Buck would run back into a building he knew damn well was about to flashover. Angry at the thought of losing someone else. Angry at himself for knowing that even the thought of this loss would be more painful than Shannon’s. 

And he’s sad. Sad that he almost lost Buck. Sad that this day has made him realize that maybe he’d be better off doing life alone. At least that way there’d be no more loss- no more pain. Just Eddie and Christopher against the world. 

The tears return as he thinks about life without Buck. He thinks about those few weeks after he lost Shannon, how he shut everyone out. How it felt waking up alone, and how somehow, not having Buck beside him each morning and night increased that cloud of grief tenfold.  _ A feeling’s just a feeling,  _ Buck had said to him once. 

-

It was the day Eddie had kissed him for the first time, pressed up against the fire truck after coming in from a call. After that initial kiss, and the many, many more that came after it, they wound up in Eddie’s truck, parked outside Buck’s apartment. “I just… I’m done fighting this,” Eddie said, turning to face Buck.

“Fighting what?” Buck had asked.

“This feeling.”

“Well, a feeling’s just a feeling,” Buck replied.

“What does that mean?”

“Well a feeling is just that— a feeling. You aren’t sure of a feeling.”

“Well, then let me rephrase,” Eddie had replied. “I’m done fighting this feeling that you and I, there’s something here. I’m done fighting it because I defeated it.”

“You took that feeling, and showed it who’s boss?” Buck teased. 

“You bet I did,” Eddie nodded. “ And now it’s no longer a feeling. It’s a fact. You and I, there’s something here. Full stop. No doubt, no uncertainty.”

Buck’s eyes lit up, warmth spreading through his chest with Eddie’s words. “No doubt, no uncertainty,” Buck repeats. 

“You told me not to open the door— not to let us happen once— if the door was going to close. The door isn't going to close,” Eddie said, gaze fixed on Buck. There was a fire in his eyes, matched only by the one in his chest. He was more sure of the words tumbling from his mouth than he was anything in this world. “Not now, not ever. Hell, I’m taking the door off the fucking hinges.” 

Buck had surged forward, their lips crashing together.

-

And Eddie’s more sure of it now than ever before. Buck was right. A feeling’s just a feeling. But this— them— isn’t a feeling. It’s fact. It’s truth in its purest form. It’s something Eddie knows to be true as much as he knows his own name. And it has been a fact since that night in Eddie’s truck, and nothing could change that. The door is off the hinges, after all. Buck is his, and he is Buck’s. Forever. No doubt. No uncertainty. 

He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand just as there’s a knock on the window. 

“Eddie, it’s me.” He’d know that voice anywhere. He doesn’t say anything in response. There’s so much he wants to say, but only one thing that matters. Three words but he can’t seem to get them out. “We could use you out here.” 

Eddie sighs, pulling his helmet back on in an attempt to conceal his puffy, bloodshot eyes. “Yeah, coming.” 

It takes them a couple more hours to get the fire out, and that’s with the help of the 122 and the 127. Finally, they load back into the truck and head back to the station. Eddie still hasn't said anything else to Buck, doesn’t trust himself to open his mouth, especially in front of everyone else. 

His anger returns on the ride back to the station, listening to Bobby tear into Buck for what he did, running back into the house. While they were working, Eddie was able to divert his energy, focus on the hose in his hands and the job he had to do. But here, in the back of the truck, listening to Bobby scold Buck for nearly getting himself killed, Eddie finds himself reliving those minutes. The fear of losing the love of his life manifests itself as red-hot anger. He clenches his jaw to keep from saying anything. Not here, not now. It’s only after they’ve unloaded and reset their turnout gear that they have a minute alone. 

 

“Get inside,” Eddie all but growls, shoving Buck through the door to the office, fingers knit in the back of Buck’ shirt. He follows him inside and slams the door closed behind them. The blinds are already drawn, thank god. “What the fuck was that?” he demands.

“I knew I could get the dog,” Buck replies, looking down at Eddie, no signs of remorse on his face. In fact, there’s a hint of a smile. “I wasn’t going to let it die in there.” 

“You could’ve been killed,” Eddie snaps. 

“Yeah, but I wasn’t.”

Eddie bites his lip to keep from screaming. Buck is the most handsome, thoughtful, caring, genuinely _good_ person he knows. But he’s also the most frustrating. “Buck, you could have died,” he says.

“I know.” 

“You- you  _ know _ ?” Eddie demands. “Do you  _ know _ what that would’ve done to me? Do you  _ know  _ that I-”

Buck cuts him off, striding forward until Eddie’s back is pressed against the door. He leans in close enough that Edie can feel his warm breath on his nose, and then he surges forward, taking Eddie’s lips in his. Eddie responds instantly, his hand pressing flat against Buck’s chest. 

Buck moves a hand to Eddie’s hip to keep him against the wall as he slips his tongue into his mouth. It’s not long before his other hand finds Eddie’s hair, fingers knotting in the dark strands and tugging, just enough to elicit a gasp followed by a breathy “fuck.” He  lifts Eddie in one swift motion, grinning as Eddie responds instantly, hooking his ankles behind Buck’s back. One of Buck’s hands is flat against the wall, the other gripping the underside of Eddie’s ass, holding him in place.

“You could’ve died,” Eddie says against Buck’s lips. “Don’t do that again.”

Buck pulls back, and Eddie can tell already he’s about to argue the merits of running into buildings under flashover warnings after repeatedly being told not to. Eddie stands up just as Buck opens his mouth. “But-”

“No!” Eddie cuts him off. “No ‘buts’. You go and do shit like this without thinking!”

“It’s my decision!” Buck protests. “It’s not like I’m dragging you in there with me.”

“That’s the thing, Buck!” Eddie hisses, trying to keep his voice down so that they’re heard by the rest of the team. “You might as well. How am I supposed to just stand there, huh? Just hang out and wait to see what happens? You think it’s  _ easy _ watching the man I love almost get himself killed?” 

“You love me,” is all Buck says in response. 

Eddie is  _ beyond _ frustrated. “Of course I do,” he replies. “You know that.”

“You love me,” Buck sing-songs. God, he's like a fucking second grader, Eddie thinks. 

“If I lose you, I...” Eddie’s voice trails off, the mere thought of it bringin on an onslaught of emotion. He swallows around the lump in his throat, inhaling slowly. “I don’t know what I would do.” 

Buck cuts him off with a kiss so electric Eddie has to place a hand on the wall to keep himself steady. “I love you,” Buck murmurs against Eddie’s lips. 

“No doubt, no uncertainty,” Eddie replies.

“Off the hinges?” Buck asks. 

Eddie nods. “Off the hinges.”


	3. you will always have this part of me

**I will always have you in my dreams**

**You will always have this part of me**

 

**-**

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Buck says, bringing his hand up to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. “Ever.”

Eddie closes his eyes, nodding slowly. “I know.”

“Good,” Buck squeezes Eddie’s shoulder gently, his touch reassuring. Buck has a way of doing that, Eddie thinks. Anytime he feels himself starting to slip away, Buck is there with the right words, a reassuring touch, a comforting look- and it’s all Eddie needs to bring him back, to ground him and give him the strength to keep going.

“I just… I can’t shake her,” Eddie says.

“You shouldn’t have to,” Buck replies, taking Eddie’s hand in his. “She was part of your life— part of you— for so long. You’re thinking about her because you miss her, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If anything, it speaks to the type of person she was and the type of relationship you guys had.”

Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand. “I just feel guilty, you know?”

“Guilty how?”

Eddie shrugs, taking a deep breath as he tries to find the words to articulate the feelings that have been owning him these past weeks. “It’s like… I see things and I do things that make me happy, and loved, and in love,” he lifts his gaze to meet Buck’s eyes. “And then I remember she’s gone, and I feel guilty for it all. How come I get to be here, living my life? Enjoying it while she’s gone?”

“She would want this for you, Ed. And deep down, I think you know she would.”

Eddie sighs. He knows Buck is right. Shannon had told him a million times how much she loved Buck, and how great the two of them were together. _Happiness looks good on you_ , she had said one day.

 

It was a few months ago, when Eddie had dropped Christopher off with Shannon on his way to Buck’s. They’d been hooking up all week, since that first day against the truck— in the fire house, the back of Eddie’s truck, Buck’s apartment. They may or may not have christened the ambulance, too, but Eddie would be denying that one until his last breath. Buck, on the other hand, though…

But tonight, things were different. They were doing dinner. In public, at a real restaurant with real tables and chairs. A dining experience that wasn’t pizza that had gone cold while Buck had Eddie pressed up against the refrigerator, eliciting moans so filthy Eddie was sure he’d have to go to confession in the morning. Eddie would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. Hell, he could feel the excitement coursing through his veins, his skin buzzing at the mere thought of a real date with Buck.

“Where are you headed looking like that?” She had teased, looking him up and down. He was wearing dark jeans and a black tee, nothing too out of the ordinary. But then again, he had spent waaaaay longer than usual (and than necessary) on his hair, agonizing over whether he had used too much gel or not enough. And he may or may not have used his nice aftershave and pulled on a new pair of shoes. “First date or something?”

“Or something,” Eddie had replied with a small smile.

“I like this for you,” she said. “You look happy.”

“I am happy,” he had said. It was the first time he had acknowledged out loud just how happy whatever this was he had going on with Buck made him.

“Happiness looks good on you,” she smiled. “Do I know the lucky gal or guy?” The all-knowing look on her face was enough to tell Eddie she was merely asking as a formality.

Eddie had laughed in response. “Goodnight, Shan.”

“Tell Buck I say hi.” Eddie got in his truck, making a mental note to remind Carla about the meaning of discretion. 

_Happiness looks good on you_. Eddie knows she wanted him to be happy. Knows she approved of him and Buck. Knows she wouldn’t want him dwelling on her death, becoming dangerously close to letting his guilt consume him. Maybe he just needed the reminder.

“I love you,” Eddie says, voice thick with emotion. “You know that, right?”

And there Buck is with a look powerful enough to pull Eddie back from the deepest pits and bring him right back where he belongs. “Of course I know that.”

 

That night, Buck wakes up to the mattress shifting beside him. As his eyes adjust to the dark, he realizes Eddie’s arm is no longer draped over him, their legs no longer slotted together. He looks around, squinting in the darkness. “Eddie?” He whispers, able to make out Eddie’s figure, sitting up against the headboard.

“I’m fine,” Eddie replies. “Go back to sleep, it’s okay.”

Buck reaches over and turns on the lamp on the nightstand. “Bad dream?” He asks, sitting up. He places a hand on Eddie’s knee, rubbing his thumb in circles absentmindedly.

“No, actually,” Eddie says, taking a deep breath. “A good dream.”

“A Shannon dream?”

Eddie nods.

“You wanna talk about it?” Buck asks.

“It was nice. Peaceful,” Eddie says, resting his head on Buck’s shoulder. “We were at prom,” he says with a small smile. “You were there, too.”

“I was at your high school prom?” Buck asks incredulously, leaning in. “Tell me more.”

“It was super weird. All of us were there. Even Christopher and my Abuela and Pepa. You and Chim tied for prom king.”

“I don’t know if I believe that,” Buck raises an eyebrow. “There’s simply no world in which you’re not prom king.”

“Maybe in your dreams I am,” Eddie replies, smile playing on his face. “But in my dreams, I get to watch my super hot, super smart, looks-great-in-a-tux boyfriend take the crown.”

“Mmm,” Buck hums, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips. Eddie snakes a hand through Buck’s hair, what was originally a gentle, playful kiss turning heavy and passionate almost instantly. “I do look great in a tux,” Buck adds, pulling back for a second.

“If I’m ever in a room with you in a tux,” Eddie mumbles against Buck’s lips. “Just know I’m spending every minute thinking about getting you out of it.”

And then Buck’s hands are on Eddie’s hips, flipping them so Eddie’s back is against the mattress, Buck hovering over him. Eddie grins up at Buck, kiss-swollen lips and pupils blown with desire. “Guess I need to find somewhere to wear a tux,” Buck manages to get out before Eddie has a fist in his shirt, tugging him down and crashing their lips together.

 

“Morning,” Eddie mumbles against the back of Buck’s neck.

Buck groans in protest.

“Sun’s out,” Eddie says.

“Not if I can’t see it, it’s not,” Buck mumbles. “Five more minutes.”

“I already gave you five more minutes,” Eddie replies.

“Nuh uh.”

“I did too.” Buck can practically hear the grin on Eddie’s face. “Five minutes ago, when you insisted on five more minutes.”

“I don’t recall,” Buck says.

“You do too.”

Buck groans once more for good measure before sitting up. “Fine. You win. I’m up.” He leans over, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips. “G’morning,” he adds.

“You up for a little adventure before shift?” Eddie asks, running a hand through Buck’s epic bed head. “There’s something I wanna do.”

 

“I, uh, thought about coming to the cemetery,” Eddie begins, voice shaky. Staring out at the waves, he thinks about the last day they spent together here. How excited Christopher was to get to spend the day with Mommy _and_ Daddy both. How content he was to dig in the sand for hours on end. How content Eddie was to sit and watch him. “But this is where I feel you. Not there.”

The wind whips sand up around him as he pauses, trying to gather his thoughts. “I love him, Shannon. But you knew that. Hell, you probably knew that even before I did.” A small laugh escapes his lips. “And he makes me happy. You were right about that.”

He looks out at the water, the mist coming off of the crashing waves just barely reaching his bare feet. “You were right about a lot of things, Shan. I think sometimes I didn’t give you enough credit. And I’m sorry for that. I’ve been beating myself up over so many things since… since the day you left us,” he takes a shaky breath. “I was feeling so guilty for being here, for letting myself smile at things that made me happy. For letting myself love and be loved when you didn’t get to do that anymore. And I was so scared I was going to lose that part of me that had been touched by you. And if I lose that part of me, then who will I be?”

He swallows around the lump in his throat, blinking back tears. “I know now that you’re not going anywhere. I’m always going to have that part of you, just like how you will always have that part of me. So I guess I just want to say I love you, Shan. Part of my heart is always going to be yours. You’re gonna have to share with Buck, though. But I have a feeling you already knew that.”

Eddie sits in silence for a few minutes, staring out at the water and watching the waves crash as a sense of what can only be described as peace comes over him. A few minutes later, he turns his head at the sound of footsteps in the sand. “Hey, you,” he says.

Buck smiles. “I saw your lips stop moving a while ago, figured you were done.”

“Stalker,” Eddie says, patting the ground beside him.

Buck sits down beside him, draping an arm over his shoulder. “How you doing?”

“Good,” Eddie says. “Really good.” And he means it. Sitting here, finally saying everything that he’s been thinking for the last few weeks, it feels good. Great, even. It’s like breaking the surface and taking that first breath after being underwater for just a second too long, Eddie thinks. The pain swirling around in his chest gone just as quickly as it appeared.

“So did you tell her about prom?” Buck asks after a minute.

“Shh,” Eddie laughs. He rests his head on Buck’s shoulder, eyes closing as he takes a deep breath. “That’s our secret.”

“I love you,” Buck says.

“And I love you,” Eddie replies. “No doubt.”

Buck grins, pulling Eddie closer. “No uncertainty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Planning on writing about these two for a loooooong time. Leave a comment or send me a message if you have any requests :)


End file.
